Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn鈥檛 you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I buy seedless grapes because let鈥檚 leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won鈥檛 need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
professor x: what鈥檚 your power?
me: i鈥檓 at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: [giggling] who is Thor鈥檚 favorite rapper?
Wife: I don鈥檛 know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what鈥檚 wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don鈥檛 know if you clearly knew the answer.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?