Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad