Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.