The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”