Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Has science gone too far?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Fight
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.