“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.