You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity