Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Iâm fairly confident I could live in a desert, Iâve gone years without drinking water.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
in chinese âmÄoâ means cat so when we meow at our kitties weâre just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. âHeroâ is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…đ«đ«đ«
My five-year old grandson responded, âNot again!â when I asked if heâd like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
you could post a photo of a celebrity like âshe looked so cool in the 90sâ and some freak will quote tweet it like âYeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.â and itâs like iâm sorry why would i know about that
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
When my 5â8â husband passes a super tall person heâll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper âwhoâs taller?â
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isnât just for the nuggets
girlfriend: itâs definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If you see a âlost & foundâ box in the proctologistâs office keep walking.
We decided to have money instead of children.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*