I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
#SaturdayBears
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.