Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing