My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.