Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.