“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them