What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.