Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her