due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
…..pretty much.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.