When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)