People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
ugh not again
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.