Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
They did not miss in the small print
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?