there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.