One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is