I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*