Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
peeping toms
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?