Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely