The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!