If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You Might Also Like
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Fiction has to make sense.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
What the hell is going on?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.