I finally found a reason to live again.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
why am I working on Labor Day