Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU