Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.