I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Dammit Chief not again
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A French press is when you hug naked
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line