Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Stop sending me this shit.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word