Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am