My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.