Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
the composer
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly