Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I think they could have phrased this better
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?