If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
plant them where lol
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.