Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
🤣😈🤣
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?