[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
You Might Also Like
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
a god among men
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Sing it!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?