BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
dude it’s called proctologist
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.