Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You Might Also Like
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
adding to the discourse
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here