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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
What do you hear?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Tastes like chicken.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh