Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Nothing to do, you say?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!