ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response