I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
the three genders
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Social Media and Real life
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.