Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The fall of Netflix
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”