when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
accurate
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t