I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what