did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
IT’S-A ME,
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
yeah no that’s fair
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.