My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.