Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“no gods no masters” = leo
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.